
Issue No 63		21 July 2000

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Satire

Last Kosovars Found Behind Couch

Extracted from The Chaser

State Emergency Services personnel were called to a house in Brighton this morning, where the last five remaining Kosovar refugees have been found wedged behind a couch.

The discovery was made late yesterday afternoon, when Doug Klimes, an unemployed carpet layer, discovered a lump in the seat while watching television. Reaching between the cushions, he found not the expected pen or 50 cent piece, but a family of ethnic Albanians, who had hidden in the cavity between the seat and rear cushions for four months.

"Please do not send me back to the inhumanity and squalor of my homeland," pleaded family matriarch Hirani Grchnlp. "Send us instead to the inhumanity and squalor of New Zealand!"

Eldest Son Tch Grchnlp, 18, wanted to stay; "I would very much like to stay here in Australia, partake of the conspicuous consumption of the West and whinge that education is no longer free. It is so different from Kosovo, where we are thankful if we are not shot through the head if we say the wrong prayers. I want to live in a country where I can constantly complain about minor imperfections, ignorant of the suffering elsewhere in the world. I would like to settle here and one day be able to protest the arrival of people just like me."

Immigration officials calmed the situation claiming that the nightmare would soon be over. "Don't worry we'll get rid of them quick-smart."

Officials have assured have assured human rights groups that the repatriation will go smoothly. "We have got them a space in the back of a Danish semi-trailer on its way to London," said one official. "They'll be fine".

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  Issue 63 contents

Interview: Paul Keating's Big Picture
The former Prime Minister is still painting on a broad canvass. He talks to Workers Online about the new economy, fair trade and political chi.

Unions: War in the West
Only six months after signing individual staff contracts, the gloss has worn off for some of BHP's Pilbara iron ore workers.

Environment: Farmers Fudge DNA Dangers
Farmers have missed the chance to have a meaningful debate into the use of genetically modified crops.

International: 'Dot Union' Proposal on the Table
ICANN, the global governing body of Internet domains, has released the following expression of interest in proposing a top-level domain for trade unions

Economics: Edge of the Abyss
Political economist Frank Stilwell argues that a constellation of events gives good reason to be worried about the Australian economy.

History: Taming the Tigers
Prominent labour historian, Dr Ming Chan, is visiting Australia to report on how workers are faring in the new Hong Kong.

Review: Music is Crap
It's already the second half of the first year in the new millenium. Who would have ever predicted a crisis in the popular music industry when we are at such an advanced stage ?

Satire: Last Kosovars Found Behind Couch
State Emergency Services personnel were called to a house in Brighton this morning, where the last five remaining Kosovar refugees have been found wedged behind a couch.

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