|Issue No 122||07 December 2001|
The Locker Room
The Gods Are Angry
HT Lee wonders whether Australia's current sporting woes aren't the result of some divine retribution.
'The Gods are still angry,' Prime Minister John Howard said to his Employment Minister Tony Abbott after the third cricket test against the Kiwis ended in a draw in Perth.
'We haven't have much luck in the sporting field since 10 November,' Abbott replied.
'Yes, yes I know and you don't have to remind me of that.'
After the Wallibies lost their test matches to England and France and the Kangaroos to England John Howard summoned Abbot, his mad monk, to see what could be done. Abbott had suggested to Howard to make scarifies to please the Gods.
'I took your advice and sacrificed our Sports Minister Kelly and what's her name...that Minister for Caged Hair...'
'You mean our Celestial Virgin the Minister for Caged Care?'
'Yes, yes, Caged Care, Caged Hair, what difference does that make, they all sound and look the same to me...the Gods are still angry after I made those two sacrifices...we still got beaten...our Socceroos went down to Uruguay...'
'And we lost the Davis Cup to the French,' Abbott interrupted.
'Yes,' Howard mourned, 'Tony Mundine lost his title fight for the first time as well...oh! what a week, what a fortnight.'
'But I thought Mundine was un-Australian and we shouldn't be supporting him,' Abbott tried to remind Howard.
'Your are right, the Gods must have made a mistake there...they must have thought he is still one of us.
'We cast him adrift to some island didn't we?' Howard continued.
Abbott nods his head in agreement.
'We must do something in the sporting field or we will become the laughing stock of the world. What can you suggest Tony?'
'This has become a national disaster and we must approach this problem in a bi-partisan manner...,' Abbott tried to explained.
'You mean we must talk to the opposition and get their agreement as to what to do next, to please the Gods?' Howard snapped.
'Yes,' replied Abbot.
'And how can that be done?' Howard inquired.
'Well, you have made your sacrifice and its now up to the opposition to do theirs...you must ask the Leader of the Opposition Simon Crean to sacrifice their sacred cow the 60:40 union rule,' Abbott said with a smile.
'By God, you are right, you are indeed a genius...Costello couldn't have come out with that one,' Howard said as he pick up the phone, 'I'll better give Simon a ring now.'
'Simon, Simon, mate, mate, the Gods are still angry with us and I need your help to please them again...and unless we do so we will not win in the sporting field again. We didn't beat the Kiwis in the test match today...and if the Gods are still angry with us...think what could happen next year...Auckland might even win the NRL...and what a national disaster that would be.'
'I know, John, I know, I have just got a phone call from a very excited Helen who claimed that had it not been for the under-armed decisions of the umpires, they would have won that test match. The Gods are indeed smiling on Helen and the New Zealand Labour Party...why aren't they smiling on me and the ALP?'
'Its not you or the ALP I am concerned, its us...all of us...the Gods have stopped smiling on us since 10 November...that is why we have been slaughtered in the sporting field...we must make another sacrifice to the Gods.'
'And how can I help?'
'I have sacrificed the Minister for Caged Care. You wanted her sacrificed before the election and I have now complied with your wishes...I have even thrown in Sports Minister Kelly as an additional good measure but the Gods are still angry. I have done my bit...its now up to you to do yours by sacrificing your scared cow the 60:40 union rule.'
'That's a very high price for me to pay...what do I get in return for this favour?'
'I'll make sure the mad monk will not send in the dogs after Tanner,' Howard replied.
'But John, your have sent in the dogs before...remember the warfies?'
'That was Peter Reith and he is no longer with us...he has gone off to play with his toy soldiers and phone cards, hah! hah! hah!...I promise no dogs... cross my heart and all that...it's a core promise...,' Howard tried to convince Crean.
'Just think Simon, if we fail to please the Gods, Auckland could win the NRL next year and what would Helen say to you?'
'I know John, I know...she would be gloating at us in general and at me in particular...what a nightmare that would be...leave it to me John.'
'Thanks Simon...I am sure the Gods will be pleased and will once again smile on us.'
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Since 1997, workers employed by Serco/Great Southern Railways, have been locked in a struggle with their employer to have their choice of industrial instrument recognised.
Legal: Three Degrees of Contract
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International: Bogota Terror
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History: Freedom or 'Federation'?
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Health: Wearing the Right Genes to Work?
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Satire: Demidenko Releases New Book About Her Life As Afghan Refugee
Controversial author Helen Demidenko has written a brand new novel based on her gripping true life experiences as an Afghan refugee.
Review: Can Blinky Bill Save Unions?
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Last Modified: 15 Nov 2005