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  Issue No 118 Official Organ of LaborNet 02 November 2001  

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Satire

Locksmith Promises "Greater Security" If Elected

Extracted from The Chaser

A Melbourne locksmith has agreed to run for federal parliament, campaigning on the key issue of security.

 
 

Speaking at his policy launch yesterday, the locksmith said he was the best man qualified to provide security at home to all Australians.

He claimed he had more experience in double-latch locks and window bars than either of the main parties, and that he was the natural man to lead the country in these nervous times.

"Security at home. Security in the garage," he said. "I'll fix you up with the locks you need at an affordable price."

The locksmith has also promised in his first term in office to cut taxes, and cut keys.


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*   Issue 118 contents

In this issue
Features
*  Interview: Flying High
ACTU Secretary Greg Combet on saving Ansett jobs, defeating Howard and wooing a new generation of unionists.
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*  Corporate: Howard's List of Shame
ACTU President Shaharn Burrow runs through the litany of corporate collapses and down-sizes that have cut a swathe through the Australian community.
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*  Campaign Diary: Week Four: The Battle Lines Drawn
It was a week that saw the leaders launch their campaigns, kiss lots of babies and battle for space with a Holy Jihad.
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*  Industrial: Desperately Seeking Solutions
They might not call it 'industrial relations' in the spin of modern politics, but all the major parties have released plans that will affect the way we work over the next three years.
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*  Economics: Manufacturing Prosperity
Neale Towart looks at the hidden debate of the election campaign - the degree of intervention government should take through Industry Policy.
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*  History: War And Politics
The Conservatives are trying to wage war and win the election. The pundits say itís a tried and true recipe for electoral success. The 1940 federal poll suggests otherwise.
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*  International: Globalising Labour
On the eve of the International Metalworkers Federation Congress general secretary Marcello Malentacchi argues all nations need to retain a manufacturing base.
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*  Review: Security - Who Needs it?
What does it mean to be secure? Should we even need to ask? In his new book, Anthony Burke asks the tough questions.
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*  Satire: Locksmith Promises "Greater Security" If Elected
A Melbourne locksmith has agreed to run for federal parliament, campaigning on the key issue of security.
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News
»  Workplace Blitz in Poll Lead-Up
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»  Abbott Under Pressure to Hold Seat
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»  Howard Double Dip Is Skyway Robbery
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»  Knowledge Nation Boosts IT Skills
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»  Stellar Win in Call Centre
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»  Unionists Barred Entry to Australia
*
»  Shier's Famous Last Wordds
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»  Real Baby Bonus for Local Government
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»  Entire Town Joins Nurses' Strike
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»  Some Good News in Orange Squeeze
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»  Train Drivers Call for Level Crossing Action
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»  Posties See Wage Rise By Christmas
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»  Howard Fails To Stem Workplace Deaths
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»  Greenpeace Activist Gets Union Support
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»  Hotel Workers Name Their Odds
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»  Airport Screeners Strike Over Work Value
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»  East Timor Training Centre Copmpleted
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»  NSW IR Act Due for Five Year Review
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»  Organiser of the Year Nominations Open
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»  Activists Notebook
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»  STOP PRESS: Jakarta Shangri-La Hotel Workers Fined US$2 million
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Columns
»  The Soapbox
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»  The Locker Room
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»  Trades Hall
*
»  Tool Shed
*

Letters to the editor
»  More on Orwell
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»  The Ostrich Approach
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