
Issue No 32		24 September 1999

Satire

Kennett Boosts Chances: Two More Independents Dead

By The Chaser

Caretaker Premier Jeff Kennett today admitted that voters perceived him as arrogant and out of touch, but insisted that they were wrong.

"How would they know whether I'm out of touch or not, anyway? They have no access to information in this State. The fact is, Victorians made a mistake on Saturday, and we may have to go back to another election to ensure they get it right."

Jeff Kennett has also defended his decision to place a gag on Coalition candidates during the election campaign, despite suffering heavy losses at last week's election.

Speaking on Radio 3AW, Mr Kennett said, "Some of my backbenchers have been saying that the people voted against us because of the gag. But I assure you that our losses would have been much worse if they had actually heard what we were going to do next."

Mr Kennett admitted that the eventual result will be very close. "The election will be decided by postal votes, and there is already a record number of postal votes." Mr Kennett then added with a confident grin, "And they are growing every minute."

Despite the huge loss, the remaining Liberal MPs have reaffirmed their support for Mr Kennett and the Liberal Party. The remaining Liberal Members approached the media and asked that they make it clear that they supported Mr Kennett, and would never become Independents.

"We would never make the same fatal mistake that Peter McClellan made," promised one Member.

Mr Kennett has already approached the Independents and offered them a variety of deals. "They can join us, or we will give them a similar deal that we gave Peter McClellan after he became an Independent." The Independents have not been seen since their meeting with Kennett.

While the major parties battle for control of Victoria, members of the Greens are in a state of shock, pondering what went wrong.

"Obviously, we only got 1% of the vote because everybody thought we were going to win, and just voted against us to ensure that we weren't too dominant in the Parliament," said one Greens spokesdolphin. "Sadly, this approach failed and now the Victorian people have been left without the Green government they so desperately wanted.

Meanwhile, The Chaser has obtained the Liberal Party's internal polling in the lead up to the election. The documents point to one overwhelming reason for the heavy losses at the weekend: the fact that NSW Opposition Leader Ms Kerry Chikarovski went on holidays in rural Victoria in the week before the poll. As she drove through the electorates polling figures for the Coalition plummeted.

Polling shows that Ms Chikarovski also had a negative impact on electorates that she didn't actually visit but went a little bit close to.

"If she got within 20 km of a electorate, then we saw a swing against the Coalition of 5%" said one Liberal insider. Mrs Chikarovski was extremely pleased by what was her best poll result since becoming leader. She suggested that she may run for the leadership of the Victorian Party if Jeff Kennett resigns.

"On these figures, I can lose Victoria by a smaller margin than I can lose New South Wales," said Chikarovski.

Upon hearing this news, Peter Collins, the former leader of the NSW Liberals was heard to lament "Why are all the women in my life moving to Victoria?"

Collins did, however, say that he wouldn't be all that bothered if Kerry were to shack up with Alan Stockdale in place of his wife, Dominique.

He added, "Can I please have my wife back, Alan? Even just on weekends?"

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  Issue 32 contents

Interview: His Daily Fix
Graham Richardson talks of his transition from national politics to talkback radio and his ongoing jobs as a fixer.

Politics: Requiem to the Third Way
The swing to Labor in Victoria shows clearly that once again Australian voters have rejected economic rationalism. The result, and the reasons for it, should worry John Howard.

International: A Common Struggle for Freedom
It may not get the headlines, but Western Sahara has some chilling similarities with East Timor.

Unions: Woolscour Workers say No to Peter Reith
Workers at Canobolas Wooltopping - a woolscour plant near Orange, in central west New South Wales, have just sent a message to Workplace Relations Minister Peter Reith: thanks, but no thanks.

Legal: Outlawed Acts of Consicence
The recent boycotts in support of East Timorese indepndence highlights the extremism of Reith's second wave.

History: Was Manning Clark A True Believer
A Canberra history conference shines the spotlight on Australia's most famous historian.

Review: Paranoid Echoes
The calls to examine the Australian�Soviet documents in the Moscow Literary archives have grown in volume over the past year.

Labour Review: What's New at the Information Centre
The latest issue of Labour Review - a resource for officals and students.

Satire: Kennett Boosts Chances: Two More Independents Dead
Caretaker Premier Jeff Kennett today admitted that voters perceived him as arrogant and out of touch, but insisted that they were wrong.

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