||Year End 2004|
Interview: The King of Comedy
Unions: Ten Simple Rules
Politics: Rampant Indivdualism
International: Global Struggle
Economics: Cashing in the Year
History: Grass Roots
Review: Cultural Realities
The Locker Room
Beyond The Law
The Price Of Tea In China
Cry For Me, Argentina
Ho Bloody Ho
Right Is Wrong
Business As Usual
All In The Family
Swing Left Wishful Thinking
The Locker Room
The Workers Online Sports Awards
"Everybody must have prizes" - Dodo, from Alice In Wonderland
The Dame Nellie Melba Retirement Of the Year Award - Steve Waugh Last summer's beatification of Steve Waugh provided a moments reflection on the mystical journey that has been the last fifteen years of Australian Cricket. It was also an opportunity to flog a lot of mawkish and tacky merchandise. Luckily the cricket intervened and provided a distraction. As retirements go, Steve narrowly edged out the "King of Caulfield", Northerly, who stepped down after taking all before it, including a few bookies.
The Calling a Spade A Bloody Shovel Award - Adam Scott The man who has been touted as the next Greg Norman (which sounds like grounds for defamation) spoke the truth when he said that even he found golf on the TV boring. Hopefully sports' answer to property development will disappear from our TV screens forever, but unfortunately it will come too late to leave that used car salesman, Norman, bankrupt.
The Girlfriend's Eyes Glaze Over Award - Daniel Vettori The thinking woman's Shane Warne gave cricket metrosexual credibility again when this left armed Lothario crossed the Tasman to represent the Black Caps. Why does cricket have this ability to throw up men that leave otherwise intelligent beings drooling, and without any of the shenanigans of their winter code counterparts? Even my grandmother used to take a sickie when Keith Miller was bowling at the SCG. "He could park his shoes under my bed any time," Nan used to say of Miller. It seems there are plenty that feel the same way about Vettori. This column is quite happy to settle for admiring his cricketing ability.
The Mike Tyson Winning Ugly award - Canterbury Bulldogs Rugby League almost made itself respectable again but was left holding the proverbial bucket when the "family club" took the Publicly Owned Telco Cup in October. There is a stench emanating from the NRL that smells a lot like death.
The Three Stooges Slapstick Comedy award - The Socceroos The Socceroos first outing against Turkey at the SCG Number 2 Oval gave everyone a chuckle as the Socceroos collided, bumped and tackled each other in a comedy of errors that saw them eclipsed by the world cup semi-finalists. The Aussies were lucky the margin flattered them so. It was a bit deflating for the crowd after being gouged by the ticket prices on offer. Australia must be the only country where its players suffer from jet lag when they play at home.
The Tony Abbott Job Security Award - Ian Chappell Bill Lawrie wasn't the last Australian Cricket Captain to get sacked. In a delicious stroke of irony it was Lawrie's successor who obviously offended one conservative too many by actually giving a rats about Australia's concentration camp policy, and Ian got the old heave ho. No doubt, with media cross-ownership laws up for grabs under the Howard Government's 'Not Nailed Down' policy, Kerry Packer was only too keen to do a favour or twenty-eight for Dear Leader Howard. After all, we can't have the offspring of Adelaide's privileged elite embarrassing the Federal Government - that's Alexander Downer's job.
The Mills And Boon Sporting Romance Award - Lleyton Hewitt Aussie Kym Klisters dumped Llittle Lleyton after she found out he was having an affair with himself. Who couldn't shed a tear when this little imbroglio fell apart? Here at the locker room there wasn't a dry eye in the house. We couldn't stop laughing for weeks.
The Kerry Packer Needs A Kidney Award - Craig Stephens Craig won fair and square but he doesn't have a range of mens' fashion so he got the heave ho. It was a fair decision he made all by himself, without any outside pressure except for the rest of the Australian population. The move saved Ian Thorpe from the trouble and embarrassment of having to get a real job. After all, what is greatness but being able to swim up and down a pool really, really quickly.
The Australian Of the Year Award - Sally Robbins What is more Australian than giving up when the going gets tough? Millions of Australians do it every day. The real heroes of this country aren't the sociopathic masochists who push themselves beyond the limit of human endurance, but those who resign themselves to the fact that the whole thing is pointless and knock off early. Having a break is the Australian way. Rower Sally Robbins exemplified this in the most Australian moment of the Greek Olympics. Sally was stuffed, so she gave up. Good on her, there should be more of it. On a further pleasing note, this year's Greek Olympiad was one of the best held in Greece in over 100 years.
The Fine Cotton Bolter Of the Year Award - Solomon Islands In the feel good story of the year it was time bilong Solomons when the tiny South Pacific island that has had to put up with everything from Cyclones to Alexander Downer arrived on soccer's world stage. Firstly in Adelaide when it snared second place in the Oceania competition - and then when it took on the Socceroos sans Harry Kewell in Honiara. The team of part timers brought some Melanesian flair and grit to a contest that a few years ago would have seen the bookies giving them a 15-goal start.
Phil Doyle - Shoots! And goals!
|Search All Issues | Latest Issue | Previous Issues | Print Latest Issue|
© 1999-2002 Workers Online