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April 2003   
F E A T U R E S

Interview: Picking Up The Peaces
Walk Against the War Coalition convenor Bruce Childs outlines the challenge for the peace movement in the lead up to Palm Sunday.

Unions: The Royal Con
Jim Marr argues the Cole Commission can only be taken seriously by people kept ignorant of the way it actually operated.

National Focus: Around the Grounds
Unions maintain the pressure for peace as the upcoming organising conference takes on added significance, reports Noel Hester.

Economics: The Secret War on Trade
Overseas-based multi-nationals are coming after our film industry, electricity, water, pharmaceutical benefits and even childcare. Or are they? Nobody knows, as Jim Marr reports.

International: United Front
Workers and their unions around the world have possibly never been as united in their commitment to campaign together against the War in Iraq, writes Andrew Casey

History: Confessions of a Badge Collector
Bill Pirie has one of the largest collections of trade union badges in the world. After 20 years the collection now numbers some 6,000 badges.

Politics: Stalin�s Legacy
Fifty years ago last month Josef Stalin died. How could it be that a democratic and socialist revolution produced one of the monsters of the twentieth century, asks Leonie Bronstein.

Review: Such Was Not Ned�s Life
The life of Ned Kelly is what we in the world of journalism term a �ball tearing yarn� so why have writers of the movie adaptation felt so impelled to dress it up with fiction, asks Tara de Boehmler.

Poetry: Osama's Top Recruiter
Through our extensive intelligence networks, we have managed to track down the top recruiter for the global terror network of Osama bin Laden.

Satire: Woolworths CEO Denied Bonus After Company Posts Profit
Woolworths chief executive Roger Corbett was devastated today to report an 18.3% rise in profit under his management over the last year.

C O L U M N S

The Soapbox
Factional Free-For-All
Chris Christodoulou looks at the fallout from the selection of the new Carr Ministry and what it means to the factional warlords.

The Locker Room
The Best Season Since Last Year
Phil Doyle goes trudging through the mud in search of the heart of the matter beneath the corporate biffo

Culture
Books on Bombs
In times like these, reading inevitably turns to America and war. Chris White wades through Pilger, Chomsky, Eco, Moore and Vidal.

Postcard
Postcard from Harvard
Labor Council's Michael Gadiel was elected to give the valedictory speech to this year's Harvard Trade Union Program.

E D I T O R I A L

The Fog of War
As the War Without a Mandate proceeds apace, any notion of a domestic political agenda has become surplus to requirements.

N E W S

 Cole Launches Civil Rights Assault

 Protests Target Arncliffe �Shocker�

 Commerce Swallows DIR

 Abbott, Bosses Turn Guns on Low Paid

 Fat Cats Should Justify Salaries - LHMU

 Black Humour for a Dark Issue

 Minister on Threats, Coercion

 Bosses Stonewall Union Dues Ruling

 Private Hospitals Pay Out on 15 Percent

 Councils on Hotel Workers� Agenda

 Sharon Hammers Israeli Workers

 Shangri-La Blue Ends

 Inaugural Orwell Awards

 Activist Notebook

L E T T E R S
 The Rule of Law
 Trots Bomb Back
 Tom's Turn
WHAT YOU CAN DO
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Satire

Woolworths CEO Denied Bonus After Company Posts Profit

Extracted from The Chaser

Woolworths chief executive Roger Corbett was devastated today to report an 18.3% rise in profit under his management over the last year.

The result means that, in line with long-established industry policy of only rewarding failure, Corbett and his board are unlikely to receive any financial incentives this year.

"This is a superb result for Woolworths shareholders and a horrendous result for me," Corbett announced.

"I can assure everyone that I was genuinely trying to post a multi-billion dollar loss in search of an ill-deserved payout like AMP's Paul Batchelor and Stan Wallis. But despite my mismanagement the vagaries of market forces have seen us post a modest profit."

"I offer my personal pledge, however, that this success is simply a temporary correction and we shall return to massive losses in the near future, striving towards a projected twelve-figure loss by the year 2004-05."

Corbett had already bought himself a yacht in anticipation of this year's bonus after embarking on a string of foolhardy ventures. But after today's result he is now in line for a hefty fine from the Woolworths board, who can't afford to tolerate achievement in the current market environment.

"The sad thing is that since Woolworths won't pay me my exorbitant incompetence bonus, next year's bottom line is already looking better," said Corbett, "Which will reduce my chance of getting a bonus next year as well."

Woolworths shares went up 8c, compounding Corbett's problems.


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