
Issue No 93		27 April 2001

LaborNET	Ask Neale	Tool of the Week

Satire

SOS: Save the Investment Banker!

Spare a thought for those less fortunate With redundancies at investment banks around the globe looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right.

Hundreds of investment bankers in your very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure income level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks - possibly a whole year - as a result of their redundancy.

But now you can help!

For about five thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help an investment banker remain economically viable during his time of need.

Five THOUSAND dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a investment banker it could mean the difference between a holiday spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, FIVE thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to an investment banker, five thousand dollars a day will almost replace his pay.

Your commitment of five thousand dollars a day will enable an investment banker to buy that home entertainment centre, trade in the year-old BMW for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the investment banker you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, property portfolio, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home.

You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $15 million lump severance package he will receive upon redundancy. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the investment banker. Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

"HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Your investment banker will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the investment banker won't know your name,he will be able to make reverse-charge calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a redundant investment banker. My preference is ticked below:

[ ] Research analyst

[ ] Bank of New York FOP`s specialist

[ ] M&A specialist

[ ] Trader*

[ ] Derivatives trader**

[ ] Entire emerging markets trading desk***

[ ] I'll sponsor an investment banker most in need. Please select one for me

* Higher cost

** Much higher cost

*** Please call our 0800 number to ask for the cost of a specific team

(Sorry, does not include secretaries).

Please charge the account listed below $6,054.79 per day for a research analystor M&A specialist for the next 3 months. Please send me a picture of the investment banker I have sponsored, along with my very special corporate logo baseball cap to wear proudly on my head.

[ ] MasterCard

[ ] Visa

[ ] American Express

[ ] DiscoverCard

[ ] Diner's Club

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the investment banker they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the investment banker you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

View entire issue - print all of the articles!

Issue 93 contents

Corporate: The Jobs Myth
Access Economics' Chris Richardson debunks employer claims that increased workers compensation premiums have a dramatic impact on jobs.

Interview: The Workers� Voice
When trade union stalwart Ian West took a seat in the NSW Upper House he was determined to be more than a bench-warmer. Then the Workers Comp legislation hit.

Unions: Postcard from the Pilbara
In the face of unprecedented pressure, BHP workers in the Pilbara are standing together and refusing to sign individual cotnracts.

Economics: Currency Unification: Dollarize or Die?
Dick Bryan asks what happens to an economy when it gives up its domestic currency.

History: Instant History
In his address to the Australian Labour History Conference, the SMH's Brad Norington asks whether there is still time for history.

International: The End of an Era?
The post-Cold War era is over. Something different is developing to take its place. John Passant writes.

Media: The Battle for Aunty
The CPSU's Graeme Thompson ouitlines the campaign to save the ABC and this week's emergency share-holders' meeting.

Review: Share-Holder Nation
A legacy of government-backed privatisations, demutualisations and stockmarket hype over the past decade is the creation of a nation of shareholders.

Satire: SOS: Save the Investment Banker!
Spare a thought for those less fortunate With redundancies at investment banks around the globe looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right.

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