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  Issue No 68 Official Organ of LaborNet 25 August 2000  

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Satire

Putin copies Clinton: dead seamen stains reputation

By The Chaser

MOSCOW, Tuesday: Russian naval authorities today faced staunch criticism, and the anger of a nation gripped by tragedy, as they conceded that all 118 Russian submariners trapped in the nuclear submarine, the Kursk, had died.

 
 

Naval authorities, and their technical advisor, teen idol and pop singer Britney Spears, blamed poor weather, and the presence of "just, like, the most water" as being the critical factors.

The Navy task force, has been led by Admiral Vladimir Kuroyedov, recognised as early as Thursday that the Kursk's situation as "very grim". Spears, who, in addition to thrilling millions with smash hits such as "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and having a "massive" crush on His Royal Highness, Prince William, was called in on the basis of her expertise in dealing with the foreign media.

Sources close to the Russian Navy suggested that the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, may also have influenced the selection process with his enthusiastic support.

According to Putin's senior press aide, there followed an eight-hour brain-storming session with Spears, the Russian President, Admiral Kuroyedov and experienced Naval engineers, during which many of the Russian contingent pitched plans and ideas to reach the trapped nuclear-powered vessel, and many of whom had to leave repeatedly for cold showers during the meeting.

Admiral Kuroyedov described the principal obstacle to further rescue attempts being the large volume of water discovered by Spears between the rescuers and the submarine. "We had hoped at first to simply haul them [the trapped submariners] out using a rope, or perhaps send a truck, seeing as there are so many. Britney thought, on the other hand, that her limo might be able to stop by and pick them up, especially if they wore their cute dress uniforms. But we have discovered conclusive evidence that the oceanic conditions involved include the need to get through a simply enormous volume of water to reach the sub. We simply had no idea that this would be the case."

Admiral Kuroyedov later provided Western journalists with a scale model of the water mass involved, and also a Navy artist's impression of the submarine being unable to be seen due to the poor visibility. "It turns out that, in this type of situation, the ocean itself becomes the obstacle. Our experts have calculated that the volume of water between us and the submarine could fill the space above the submarine, trapped 107 metres below us, to a depth of 107 metres" he added. Britney Spears completed the press briefing by performing her hit single, "Sometimes", from her upcoming EP.

Meanwhile, Mr Putin has denied claims that he was copying US President Bill Clinton, but admitted that he - like Bill - had let dead seamen stain his reputation.


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*   Issue 68 contents

In this issue
Features
*  Interview: New Unionist
Britain's Trade Union Congress secretary John Monks on life under Blair and why the future of unionism could well rest in Europe.
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*  History: The Victims of Whiggery
George Loveless, the leader of the rural workers who became the Tolpuddle Martyrs, recorded his ideals and experiences in a pamphlet that brings his story to life.
*
*  Economics: The Final Station
Corporatisation was first introduced into Australia by the former Greiner Coalition government. What is 'corporatisation' and who should we hold to account under its prescriptions?
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*  International: Massive Union Win in American Telecom
The Communications Workers of America (CWA) announced on Thursday a settlement with Verizon Communications ending a fifteen day strike by 87,000 telephone workers from Maine to Virginia.
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*  Unions: A Vital Community Service
What keeps the engine of the Australian economy running? Manufacturing productivity, the stock market, exports? Try child care.
*
*  Satire: Putin copies Clinton: dead seamen stains reputation
MOSCOW, Tuesday: Russian naval authorities today faced staunch criticism, and the anger of a nation gripped by tragedy, as they conceded that all 118 Russian submariners trapped in the nuclear submarine, the Kursk, had died.
*
*  Review: Blow Up The Pokies
Whether it arouses public debate about Gambling is best left to the public but Peter Zangarri thinks Tim Freedman is on a winner with the Whitlam's latest CD.
*

News
»  Public Sector Workers Win $1.50 An Hour Olympic Allowance
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»  Olympic Vendors Cream Boss
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»  Child Care Workers Pick Up 10% Pay rise
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»  Boston Bags Bonus While Teachers Wait on Back-Pay
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»  Super Saga
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»  Homecare Workers Hit Streets
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»  CPSU Logs On Internet Providers
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»  1 Million Reasons to Belong to a Union
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»  City Rail Security Guards Win Olympic Bonus
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»  Making a Difference in ICANN Elections
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»  Sydney Hotel Stoppages Throughout Next Week
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»  Scientists Protest IT Outsourcing
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»  Dealing With Workplace Deaths
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Columns
»  Away For The Games
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»  Sport
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»  Trades Hall
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»  Tool Shed
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Letters to the editor
»  Sticking Up For Family Values
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»  How far is Farr enough?
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»  From Cryptoneoliberal to Careless
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