
Issue No 66		11 August 2000

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Satire

Elaine Nile retires citing victory in "War on Masturbation"

By The Chaser

There were emotional displays and many tributes paid today as Elaine Nile, Christian Democrat MP of 12 years standing, announced her retirement from the Parliament.

Ms Nile blamed smokers in Parliament House, the long hours demanded of politicians and her recent successes in the Christian Democrats' "war on masturbation" as contributing to her decision to quit. According to Nile, a recent Department of Education study suggests that awkward moments of teenage self-exploration are now as likely to be expressed through Bible study, sublimated tendencies to violence and the use of self-flagellation as through the use of "the poor man's Palm Pilot".

A senior member of the Department today described the report as "definitive, though not in any sense real ... we just cooked it up to stop her calling us every damn day".

"Now that we have succeeded in stamping out the sin of Onan, we can, at last, have some well-earned rest," Mrs Nile told a packed news conference full of journalists and well-wishers.

Mrs Nile said she felt that her time in Parliament had achieved many successes for decent caring Christians. She named the increases in gay bashings and the continued need for intravenous drug users to use dirty needles in children's parks rather than shooting galleries as the two greatest achievements of her time in Parliament.

"Every time I think of those faggots making fun of my husband during their filthy parade I am calmed by the knowledge that if they don't get a good bashing then at least they will be punished in hell," said Nile.

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  Issue 66 contents

Interview: Shifting Sands
Michael Crosby Joint Director of the ACTU Organising Centre talks to Workers Online about the changing nature of union power, 'use it or lose it' coverage and how the ALP will have to deal with a transformed union movement.

Unions: Mission Possible
From Cambodia to Kyrghyzstan, from Malawi to Mozambique, this is one nurse who accepts certain missions where life is on the edge, and she loves it.

Economics: A Progressive Alternative
Andrew Scott outlines a policy approach for an ALP Government that aims to deliver social as well as economic progress.

International: Unions Back International Seafarer Deal
Shipping union representatives from 56 countries have decided to back a pioneering international collective bargaining agreement with ship employers.

Politics: Apolitical Myth
Over the last ten years one story about public interest in politics has found resonance, especially in the US. It suggests that people are no longer interested in political issues. Researchers from the Demos Foundation put this claim under the microscope.

Satire: Elaine Nile retires citing victory in "War on Masturbation"
There were emotional displays and many tributes paid today as Elaine Nile, Christian Democrat MP of 12 years standing, announced her retirement from the Parliament.

Review: Pure Shit
The 1970s Aussie drug classic, Pure Shit - a 70s Australian style Trainspotting - is being dusted off for a one-off showing at the Chauvel.

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