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  Issue No 60 Official Organ of LaborNet 30 June 2000  

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Satire

Satan Subpoenaed To Cricket Inquiry

Extracted from The Chaser

The King Commission of Inquiry into cricket match-fixing yesterday heard evidence from Satan that he never influenced Hansie Cronje to accept bribes.

 
 

Taking the witness stand, Satan refused to swear an oath on the Bible, but otherwise co-operated with counsel's questions.

He told the inquiry he's never met or spoken to Cronje, and certainly never led him into temptation.

"I don't even like cricket," said Satan. "I never go near it, if I can help it. The last time I had anything to do with the game was way back when Trevor Chappell bowled underarm to New Zealand."

Satan said he's been far too busy with what he termed "real evil" to have the time to lead astray sports stars.

"It's just been flat out these last few years. The Balkans crisis, Indonesia, the new album from Garth Brooks."

But lawyers for Cronje urged the inquiry to disregard Satan's testimony, pointing to the witness' notorious reputation for wily deception.

"He is," noted one lawyer drolly, "the witness from hell."

In other developments yesterday, counsel requested that a subpoena be served on the star Australian cricketer Shane Warne.

Initial attempts by the inquiry to reach the leg spinner were unsuccessful, as his mobile phone was constantly engaged.

Warne's voicemail message said: "Hi, you've reached Shane, Hampshire County all-rounder. If that's Donna - please, PLEASE leave me a message, and I'll call you straight back. I'm just in the bath covering myself with more wine and cigarette ash - and if that doesn't turn you on, then I'm buggered to know what will."

Warne will give evidence at the inquiry this Friday. The inquiry is especially interested in claims that Warne has been accepting money from girls to stay away from them in nightclubs.


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*   Issue 60 contents

In this issue
Features
*  Interview: Turning Tides
ACTU President Sharan Burrow reflects on the disappearance of the middle class and what the union movement can do about it
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*  Unions: Fear and Loathing in Wollongong
For four days this week, too much unionism was barely enough. We bring you the highs and lows from behind the scenes and inside the bars of this week’s ACTU Congress.
*
*  Politics: The Group Hug
Opposition leader Kim Beazley came, saw and conga-ed. Here's what he said to the ACTU Congress.
*
*  History: Unions and Family Trees
Trade union records may not be the first port of call for a beginning family historian, but down the track a little, these records could bring to life an ancestor who previously was just a name printed on the page.
*
*  International: Fiji Bans Lifted
Fiji employers are expected to start reinstating all their workers over the next week, now that Australian union bans have been lifted at the request of the local union leadership.
*
*  Review: Room to Manoeuvre
Full employment with a highly skilled well-paid workforce is a realistic goal for Australia, despite the supposed constraints of globalisation.
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*  Satire: Satan Subpoenaed To Cricket Inquiry
The King Commission of Inquiry into cricket match-fixing yesterday heard evidence from Satan that he never influenced Hansie Cronje to accept bribes.
*

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»  Workers Online Wins ACTU Media Award
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»  Update: Computer War Hots Up
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»  STOP PRESS: Pay Equity Decision Handed Down
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Columns
»  The Soapbox
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»  The Locker Room
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»  Trades Hall
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»  Tool Shed
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Letters to the editor
»  None the Wiser for History
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»  Virtual Kelty
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»  The Burke and Wills Syndrome
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»  Rally for Refugees
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»  industrial Gazettes Looking for a Home
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»  Sharan Burrow at the IPAA
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