
Issue No 56		02 June 2000

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Satire

Gosper's New Torch Role

Extracted from The Chaser

A week after he was excluded from the Olympic torch relay as a result of public criticism, Kevan Gosper has been reinstated by SOCOG President Michael Knight for a special project.

Knight announced that, due to popular demand, Gosper will be playing a special role in the Opening Ceremony in September: he will now be lit and thrown into the cauldron, where his flesh will melt, stoking the sacred flame for several hours of slow-release immolation.

Mr Knight says that the move part of their efforts to rebuild public support towards the Games. "We want every Australian to feel a part of our Olympic Games, and I'm sure that all of us will unite as one as we watch Kevan boil, releasing the satisfying aroma of burning flesh for the enjoyment of the entire stadium and the surrounding suburbs. Wanting Kevan to suffer excruciating pain is something that brings all Australians together."

Knight has also extended the offer of participation to the whole of the Hellenic Olympic Committee, who made the initial offer to Sophie Gosper. While the HOC expressed its appreciation of Knight's consideration of them, they declined, saying that they already had plenty of heat from the IOC, which is threatening to move the 2004 Games to Seoul.

"Our decision to continue with the roasting we're getting back home will be self-evident to anyone who has participated in a Korean barbecue," an HOC official announced.

Gosper himself is enthusiastic about the plan, but as a sign of his continuing regret and concern for the Greek-Australian schoolgirl his daughter ousted, Yianna Souleles, he has offered her the spot instead. She has, however, declined, saying that she feels that such a change would be inappropriate, and that the honour should most properly go to Gosper himself.

The controversial former Olympian has consequently decided he will participate in the plan, describing his proposed incineration as simply another of the troubles he has experienced recently. "As far as I am concerned," he explained, "it would be little more than a case of 'out of the frying pan, into the fire'."

Despite the continued media spotlight and harsh public reaction Kevan Gosper has continued to defend his decision to include his daughter in the torch relay.

"It is only fair that someone who has to put up with the arduous Olympic lifestyle that our family leads should get some form of compensation," said a tearful Gosper. "The constant free gifts and free holidays at ski resorts can really start to wear on a girl as young as Sophie."

Yesterday Michael Knight also claimed that the torch scandal represented the end to stuff-ups, misreading of the public and tactical blunders by the organising committee of the games and those associated with the games. Knight seemed relaxed after his statement, made at a lunch where it was announced that Knight's mother would hand out the medals at the games. "Its great to get that out of the way and enjoy this day where finally my mother is getting recognised for all her hard work."

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  Issue 56 contents

Interview: When the War is Over
Teachers Federation chief Sue Simpson has just come through the industrial dispute of a lifetime. But where to now for her members?

Politics: The Beazley Manifesto
Read the full transcript of Kim Beazley's Fraser Lecture develiered this week, where he unveiled Labor's new industrial relations platform.

Unions: Dudded on the Dock of the Bay
Until a few weeks ago Allan and Beverley Crelley had never ever heard of SERCO the big London multinational that specialises in winning contracts from governments committed to outsourcing their workers.

History: The Long March for Justice
Against the backdrop of the Walk for Reconciliation across the Sydney Harbour Bridge that took place last Sunday, it is worthwhile recognising that trade unionists were actively promoting the issue decades ago.

International: UK Unions Turn the Corner
Union membership is on the rise for the first time in 20 years, indicating an early response to union recognition legislation set to come into effect next month.

Work/Time/Life: Flexible Clerks Save Hours
The Australian Services Union has successfully blocked an attempt by wholesaler Davids Limited to force clerical staff at the company's Blacktown office from flexible working hours to a standard 38 hour week.

Review: Who Really Won the War?
It might be being pulped for a reference to serial-suitor Peter Costello, but 'Waterfront' has sparked some lively debate about our recent industrial history.

Satire: Gosper's New Torch Role
A week after he was excluded from the Olympic torch relay as a result of public criticism, Kevan Gosper has been reinstated by SOCOG President Michael Knight for a special project.

» Long Service Leave Push for Short-Term Workers

» Carr Asked to Act on Fiji Crisis

» Major Blow to Government Outsourcing

» Beazley Blocks Contracts as Reith Hits New Wall

» Carr Makes Formal Offer on Olympics Pay

» Surfing Carnivals Highlights Beach Threat

» Mail Stopped Over Junk Deal

» CBA Staff To Strike Over Queues and Abuse

» Women's Bureau to Stay in DIR

» Joy's Winter of Discontent

» Advocate Pushes Pattern Bargaining

» Nike Versus The Workers

» New Safety Laws A First in Australia

» Workers March for Reconciliation

» Labour Movement Mourns Loss of Neil Marshall (11th June 1943 - 31st May 2000)