
Issue No 53		12 May 2000

LaborNET	Ask Neale	Tool of the Week

Sport

Buster Punter - What the World Needs Now

Let's face it, racing's absolutely rooted. Crowds are down, bookies are fair dinkum eating the paint off the walls, and everyone's betting on everything but horses.

If the geniuses running racing are going to slick up the image of bookie's pencillers by making them wear uniforms which make them look like valet parking attendants they may as well go the whole hog and give the punters what they really want - violence, sex and scandal - organised and managed to produce a profit for the benefit of racing (and the government) of course. What I'm talking about here is a tried and tested, Murdoch inspired, tabloid approach: dumb down, sex up and sensationalise.

Violence

Watch a punter in action and you 'll see an animal at work, instinctively competing for survival in a deadly financial jungle they call a bookmakers ring. Now its pretty obvious to the average observer of this species that lurking just below the surface of an insatiable lust for money is malice. Many old timers will fondly recall the time a bookmaker got kicked to death by an angry mob of punters one day at Randwick when a lowlife in a flash suit with gold teeth tried to do a runner after doing his arse laying a favourite in the last. So it's a good bet that organised violence on course will be a winner with those who speculate to accumulate. All you need is a few ideas on how to do this with a modicum of panache and flair.

The Demolition Derby

This takes the use of the false rail onto another plane and borrows heavily from the speedway concept. An outside rail continually narrowing down the length of the straight to the point where there is room for only one horse at the winning post would ensure a steady stream of equine carnage where horse and jockey would come down in a cloud of dust and a bucket of blood. Given the statistical reality that most punters would have backed the horses finishing behind the winner, this wouldn't be such a bad thing. Jim Cassidy absolutely slaughtered the fave by conveniently missing the start? No worries - he'll be jammed up and speared into the turf by about the 200m mark (revenge is sweet my friends).

The animal welfare issue is a bit of a worry here but I'm sure this can be managed by donating a small portion of the betting turnover to the RSPCA and securing PAL Dogfood as a beneficiary for this type of race. Getting Mike Raymond to hype this race up with his thrills & spills BE THERE! line would be the icing on the cake.

Sex

The links between sex and gambling have been well established. Freud diagnosed compulsive gambling as a substitute for "chronic masturbation" so there's a sound theoretical basis for introducing some 'tits and feathers' into the on-course experience.

Forget the GG spot campaign - it was a dud, just like the poor unfortunate groover of a racing official that was forced to drive around town with GG spot number plates. Now no number of glammed up Ally McBeal types doing 'Fashions in the Field' in the members will titillate the hordes of brokes out in the public doing their hard earned and hard up for a root (ever noticed just how sexy those TAB habitues are girls?).

So what's needed is some action smack bang on the paddock lawn, something that has elements of desire and sporting contest: nude female jelly wrestling - no holds barred with on-course betting. We get big Darrell Eastlake to do the commentary with gynaecological close-ups splashed up on the big screen and have the bouts sponsored by a classy publication like The Picture on a contra deal for a supply of the flesh. Bring back Hats Aitken to run the Chocolate Wheel where a lucky punter gets to go head to head with one of the girls in the ring and you've got a dead cert of a crowd puller.

Scandal

Punters love a scandal - it's the high drama that gives the on-track experience an unpredictable edge. Who remembers the electric surge of punting panic that arced through the betting ring at Warwick Farm that day when a horse called Fine Cotton was backed from 66/1 into 6/4 and Mark Read exclaimed to all and sundry above the din, "If this isn't a ring-in I'm not here!" - stuff of legends.

Now the skullduggery that made racing worth telling stories about is still there but what we're saddled with a piss weak pack of reporters on a drip feed of tips from jockeys, shit-scared of alienating the pin heads that conveniently run up dead ends when the smart money isn't on. Not to mention a bunch of stipes trapped by the knowledge that an appeals Committee can't or won't see what the Stipes can see when it comes to jockeys not trying. The point is clear punters - what we need to do is redress the imbalance between order and chaos at the track.

The Mystery Dead Un'

The TAB were on the right track with their mystery bet concept but haven't gone far enough. A win-win would be for the authorities to come clean and legitimise these rorts for fun and profit. The line to use here would be the well worn but effective, "we can't stamp it out so let's legalise it to control it" line - a sort of harm minimisation approach for punters. On selected events the TAB could run a 'Mystery Dead Un' feature where a jockey is seeded into the field under official intrsuctions to 'pull' their mount with a separate betting market being run on which horse is the non-tryer. After the event Stewards would declare the dead un' with correct weight. Red hot trainers and jockeys could still pull a rort, sharp punters would be rewarded for their cynicism and good judgement, reporters would have a guaranteed lead story and the TAB could increase its turnover - everyone's happy.

The Mystery Horse

If the above idea is a bit too hot too handle for the powers that be then I suggest they leave it to the 'Cheats on Seats' brigade, the Trots (pacers that is - not commos) or the dishlickers and go for a toned down alternative: the Mystery Horse. On one race of the card a mystery horse would be placed in the field; this could be Vo Rogue on the limit weight in a Maiden Hcp or Oureone (the veteran maiden) in The Doncaster with 58.5kg on her back. This would be sure to add interest and provide for the freak result now and then that makes a day at the track a memorable experience.

Well that's about it, if the old school tie gents can't pull their heads out of their arse and pick up and run with this stuff then they deserve their own oblivion.

Til next month punters.

Got a story that the newspapers won't touch? Then drop Buster a line, the bloke prepared to fire broadsides trackside at:[email protected]

View entire issue - print all of the articles!

Issue 53 contents

Interview: The Fruitful Shaw
After ten years in Parliament, NSW Industrial Relations Minister Jeff Shaw looks at some mountains still to be climbed.

Politics: Budget in Reply
Opposition Leader Kim Beazley replies to the Federal budget and paints Labor's alternative vision for the future.

Economics: Petition to Move a Mountain
A child born in Zambia or Tanzania or Bolivia owes more to international creditors than she or he will ever earn in a lifetime.

International: Solidarity in a Cold Climate
After an overnight bargaining marathon, Norway's unions have secured most of their main demands and have now ended their nationwide strike.

Health: Workers Health Centre Comes of Age
In 2001, the Workers Health Centre will celebrate its 25th anniversary, making it the longest running independent trade union based health and safety service in the country.

History: A Tribute to the Fallen
A Canadian tractor operator is seeking help to produce a book on monuments to people killed in the workplace.

Satire: Ralph Web Ring Busted
Following the dismissal of 27 Telstra employees last week for downloading hardcore pornography on their work computers, Ralph magazine sacked five employees yesterday for downloading positive images of women.

Review: Waterfront - Through the Reporters' Eyes
Fairfax journalists Helen Trinca and Anne Davies have skillfully transformed the waterfront war into the sort of thriller that any self-respecting Hollywood mogul would reject for being too wild to be true.

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