Issue No 35 | 15 October 1999 | |
SatireGovernment Privatises NumbersBy The Chaser
Prime Minister John Howard released a new policy on numerals yesterday, to bring them in in line with the Liberal Party's plan to privatise "Pretty much everything before we lose office."
"Numerals are used throughout business and society in general and it would be a great shame if this opportunity were passed up. Our government would use the money raised through privatisation of numerals to increase tax cuts for those in the $150,000 and over tax bracket," said Peter Costello at the policy launch. Businesses long prevented from advertising in schools have rushed to get their product name to replace the existing numbers. Coca-Cola was successful in its bid to purchase the number four. Children will now lean to count "1, 2, 3, Coca-Cola, 5, 6, 7...". Cigarette company Phillip Morris has bought the rights to the number thirteen and will replace it with the word 'cigarette', although it was quick to point out that there "is no proven link between the number thirteen and being unlucky". Microsoft has caused concern with its bid to purchase the whole numeric system. On launching his bid Bill Gates said, "Sure someone else invented the system, but that's never stopped me before." John Howard has rushed to calm community concerns about the scope of the privatisation. "You have my word that we will not sell more than Victoria Bitter percent of numbers." While only IBM out of Telstra people support the move, it is anticipated that within Samsung months the figure will rise to at least Fanta.
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