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  Issue No 35 Official Organ of LaborNet 15 October 1999  

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Satire

Government Privatises Numbers

By The Chaser

Prime Minister John Howard released a new policy on numerals yesterday, to bring them in in line with the Liberal Party's plan to privatise "Pretty much everything before we lose office."

"Numerals are used throughout business and society in general and it would be a great shame if this opportunity were passed up.

Our government would use the money raised through privatisation of numerals to increase tax cuts for those in the $150,000 and over tax bracket," said Peter Costello at the policy launch.

Businesses long prevented from advertising in schools have rushed to get their product name to replace the existing numbers. Coca-Cola was successful in its bid to purchase the number four. Children will now lean to count "1, 2, 3, Coca-Cola, 5, 6, 7...".

Cigarette company Phillip Morris has bought the rights to the number thirteen and will replace it with the word 'cigarette', although it was quick to point out that there "is no proven link between the number thirteen and being unlucky".

Microsoft has caused concern with its bid to purchase the whole numeric system. On launching his bid Bill Gates said, "Sure someone else invented the system, but that's never stopped me before."

John Howard has rushed to calm community concerns about the scope of the privatisation. "You have my word that we will not sell more than Victoria Bitter percent of numbers."

While only IBM out of Telstra people support the move, it is anticipated that within Samsung months the figure will rise to at least Fanta.


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*    More more biting political analysis, visit The Chaser

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*   Issue 35 contents

In this issue
Features
*  Interview: Strategic Responses
NSW Police Association president Mark Burgess has worked in the coal mines and the waterfront - now he�s the public face of NSW police
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*  Republic: Negative Campaigning
If the Republic fails, one of the main complaints which should be leveled against the ARM is its refusal to play dirty.
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*  Unions: Interpreter smooths the way for Kosovar Refugees
�The people really appreciate what Australia has done for them but they still want to go home," said Ariana Biba, a HREA member who has been worked recently as an interpreter assisting newly arrived refugees from Kosovo.
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*  Education: Count Yorga's Evil Plot
NTEU president Carolyn Allport looks at Kemp's brazen attack on univestities and warns the battle is not won yet.
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*  Safety: Death in the Snowy
Beyond the engineering achievements of the Snowy Mountains Scheme, there is the tragic story of those workers killed or seriously injured in the construction of the project.
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*  International: Why Is the WTO So Anti-Labour?
Driving the cost of labour down appears to be the main priority of the World Trade Organisation
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*  History: The Importance of Tradition
Historical documents bring us into closer contact with the past and its concerns as this 1945 extract from the NSW Nurses Association journal, The Lamp, shows.
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*  Review: McLibel - The Mice That Roared
This documentary is the classic tale of the little guys against the system, a battle for the right to dissent.
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*  Satire: Government Privatises Numbers
Prime Minister John Howard released a new policy on numerals yesterday, to bring them in in line with the Liberal Party's plan to privatise �Pretty much everything before we lose office.�
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News
»  Telstra Workers Turn Reith on his Head
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»  Revenge of the Working Sick
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»  McPickets To Hit Centennial Park
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»  AFL-CIO Computer Deal Keeps Union in Control
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»  Four Pillars Behind Westpac Cuts
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»  Labor MPs Asked to Stand Up and Be Counted
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»  Reith�s Second Wave Smokescreen
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»  Reith to Legalise Gay and Lesbian Discrimination
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»  Denham or Lace - Libs to Ravage Public Sector
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»  The Big Australian Swiftie - $19 Mill Entitlements at Risk
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»  Real Sweatshops: Ice Cubes To Cool Down
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»  Xanana Endorses APHEDA
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»  Tales from the Gender Battlefield
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»  It�s Time! Republic Goes Funky
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»  STOP PRESS: Combet Elected ACTU Secretary Unopposed
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Columns
»  Guest Report
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»  Sport
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»  Trades Hall
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»  Piers Watch
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Letters to the editor
»  The Very Broad Picture
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»  Second Wave - Are We Playing To Win
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»  Don't Let Howard Take The Human Out Of Human Rights
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»  Tax Ideas Not in the Hunt
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»  Desperately Seeking Trevor Melksham
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