|Issue No. 310
|09 June 2006
I'm No Economist, But �.
Interview: Rock Solid
Industrial: Eight Simple Rules for Employing My Teenage Daughter
Politics: The Johnnie Code
Energy: Fission Fantasies
History: All The Way With Clarrie O'Shea
International: Closer to Home
Economics: Taking the Fizz
Unions: Stronger Together
Review: Montezuma's Revenge
Poetry: Fair Go Gone
The Locker Room
Greens Are Good For You
Calling All Micks!
Coming Up Swinging
Mining For Gold
Blood Spangled Banner
Never To Be Repeated Offer
All In The Nuclear Family
The-has-been-that-never-was surfaced again this week, putting 'conflict' back in the phrase 'conflict of interest'.
Ziggy Switkowski, fresh from his success with the Telstra share price, has been appointed as Officer of the Wedge for the master of the pointless distraction, Dear Leader Howard himself.
Howard correctly pointed out that Uncle Ziggy is "a proven person in the commercial area".
He omitted to elaborate that what Ziggy had proven was his ability to send a share price a long way south and take a gold plated telecommunications network and replace it with two tin cans and a piece of string.
Ziggy is a nuclear physicist, but it is kind of reassuring that he ended up as a telecommunications executive, anyone as incompetent as Ziggy would be downright dangerous left alone with a nuclear reactor.
After he screwed up his job at Telstra, Ziggy escaped the lynch mob by landing himself a gig with the cuddly folk over at the Australian Nuclear Science and Technology Organisation, who recently produced a report that - surprise, surprise - found out that nuclear power is a jolly good thing.
Which is a bit like Bookmakers holding an inquiry into whether or not gambling is a good thing.
So, in the interests of providing people with a distraction from various wheat board scandals, penny pinching and the new slavery laws, Dear Leader Howard turned to Ziggy to head an impartial inquiry into a foregone conclusion on whether or not we would buy a really, really big microwave oven.
Luckily Ziggy is apparently keeping what he calls an open mind about the foregone conclusion. This is a relief, as someone from a parallel universe like Ziggy could come up with something very imaginative in the area of power generation left to his own devices.
Whether or not Ziggy is keen on building something that will wipe out an area the size of Albury-Wodonga and render it uninhabitable for 75,000 years is a moot point.
Howard is no more interested in having a debate about nuclear power than he is interested in Morris Dancing, what he really needs is a toothless attack dog to savage the anti nuclear lobby with a wet lettuce and get some good old fashioned green baiting back in the papers to stop all this reality that is creeping in.
And Ziggy is the perfect man for the job - Smithers to Howard's Monty Burns.
If they were interested in policy development - which they're not - we'd have a debate about all the energy alternatives, including harnessing hot air from failed Telco executives, surely an inexhaustible energy supply if ever there was one.
In the meantime Ziggy Switkowski And the Spiders From Mars will go through the motions, calling for submissions, holding panels and generally making themselves useless.
Luckily the taxpayer will foot the bill, which saves the Federal Government from having to spend more money on fluff and bubbles like infrastructure, education and hospitals, when we know that what we really need is another inquiry with a foregone conclusion.
Perhaps we could have an inquiry into how much taxpayers dosh can be pissed up against the wall creating a wedge in order to distract people from the fact that Ziggy's erstwhile masters are robbing the country blind.
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