||Issue No. 285||14 October 2005|
Howard’s Secret War
Interview: Under Fire
Politics: And the Winners Are ...
Economics: The Common Wealth
History: Walking for Justice
International: Deja Vu
Legal: The Rights Stuff
Review: That Cinderella Fella
Poetry: Is Howard Kidding?
The Locker Room
Hooray for Robots
Good Guy Done Bad
$8.4 Million Dollar Tool
It has come to the attention of Woolworth's CEO Roger Corbett that shareholders are being gouged unmercifully by this newly discovered phenomenon called an employee.
It appears that these employees - who work doing all the mundane sorts of things involved in running a store, such as operating a checkout or stacking shelves - are actually expecting to be paid in cash for the work that they perform.
This will not do. The money they are defrauding from Woolworth's could actually be spent on dividends to those powerhouse scions of the economic miracle that is Australia, the shareholder.
Without shareholders it is hard to imagine the sun coming up, or even a reason for existence.
The shareholder is the wisest, most acute of minds. Using that never failing tool, the market, to allocate resources in such a manner that they are distributed efficiently.
It is the shareholders that decided that Roger Corbett is worth $8.4million a year.
This is another amazing miracle of the Australian Economy. The other being the peyote buttons the Reserve Bank must be popping if they think that borrowing $1.50 for every dollar you earn is sane and rational.
This economic miracle is why someone who, as we discovered in Workers Online 260, doesn't even know what a truck is, can earn a seven figure sum while appearing to struggle to understand which direction his arse is pointing in.
What is even more disconcerting is that this guy wants to sign individual contracts with teenagers as young as 15. There's a word for that sort of behaviour, and it's not pleasant.
Meanwhile "Uncle" Roger, when not locking himself away with teenage kiddies, seems to think that his ability to pay people in a rock and a shiny thing will enhance the economy.
This sort of reckless intellectual adventurism is not surprising, coming as it does from someone who affected surprise that rising petrol prices have an affect on the economy.
Then again, as we already know, transport is not Corbett's strong suite. He has many truck drivers. Raking it in at $2000 an hour he can afford to lose a few along the way. So it helps if they're on individual contracts. Well, it makes sense on planet Corbett.
Neither is retail acumen his intellectual specialty by all accounts either. Or, for that matter, remembering to put his pants on before his shoes.
If this keeps up we can expect the sort of mental athleticism that will leave our Tool Of the Week dribbling from both sides of his mouth.
The love that weirdos like Roger Corbett has for John Howard's new workplace terror laws probably goes some way to explaining why it's about as popular as Monday.
But meanwhile, on planet Corbett, life carries on at $2000 an hour, which is why petrol hitting $1.40 a litre doesn't bother him. But for those of us in the real world, it goes some way to explaining why you can't find a piece of fruit in Woolworth's that tastes any different to the box that it came in; or why Einstein's like Roger Corbett are the best argument for regulating the workforce we have - starting with executive salaries.
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