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Issue No. 276 | 12 August 2005 |
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The Power of One
Interview: On Holiday Unions: One Day Longer Industrial: Never Mind the Bollocks Politics: Spun Out Economics: If the Grog Don't Get You .... History: Taking a Stand International: The Split Legal: Pushing the Friendship Poetry: Simple Subtractions Review: Sydney Trashed
Parliament The Soapbox The Locker Room International Postcard
 Farmers� Best FriendGovt Has No CaseLogon to IREars and MindsHoward on the CouchWhich Bank?Kevin the Tool ManTom On Safety
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Tool Shed One Finger Majority
***** Dere Toole sheb It iz reely goode now I are being a senertar fer ther guvunmint. Ets harde too bee cownting numbas orl ther time butt I em getting betta. I wil ponch thatt bigg warly Bobb Bruwn ef he owperns hez fatt trap agen. Julliane McGorran, Senarter bloke fer Victerier The man who put the word swill in the phrase "unrepresentative swill" has been at it again. While most coalition senators were pleased to celebrate achieving powers unseen since Sparta conquered Athens by having a good old fashioned stoush out the back of the lunch shed, Julian decided to share his newfound power with the opposition benches. Control of both houses of Parliament for many means that long held ideological scores can now be settled in policy areas such as industrial relations, health, education, indigenous affairs and welfare. For Julian it means he can stick his finger up at the opposition. He showed us this last week when he showed the opposition why the English won at Agincourt, giving the representatives of the unwashed the digit by way of communicating his newfound sense of superiority. And boy, didn't he enjoy it. The last time he looked that pleased was when he emerged from the milking shed doing up his pants. It was an understandable reaction as Julian had been under a bit of stress. Showing their sense of humour, the Nationals decided to elect Julian as their Whip. Julian thought this was a good idea as he'd always been a dab hand at rounding up the cows on the family's Gippsland farm, especially that cute Fresian that was always giving him the eye. Then, to his horror, Julian found out counting was part of this job, not just giving the old persuader a crack when bringing in the Honourable member for Goldstein in for milking. So when the new senate went to one of its first divisions it came as no surprise to anyone else who'd spent two minutes with our Tool Of the Week that tallying up votes could take some time. Poor old Julian had to use both hands and all eleven toes. Those that knew him well were impressed he managed to get to one. Julian was so relieved when he found out that the government side had 33 numbers to the bad guys 31 numbers he decided to show the full range of his powers of intellectual expression, and he gave the opposition the finger. In true McGauran style he stuffed that up, using the wrong finger. But, given he is guy who can't walk and chew gum at the same time, we can't be surprised. Poor old Julian was forced to mumble an apology. This would never had of happened if he was back in the McGauran family's fiefdom of the central Gippsland, where Julian engages in his hobbies of releasing personal information from coronial inquests of the identities of women who have had to endure a mid-term abortion. Unlike the building industry legislation he supports, abortion is unfortunately unavailable retrospectively for our Tool Of The Week.
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