||Issue No. 267||10 June 2005|
Rivers of Gold
Interview: The Baby Drought
Industrial: Lies, AWAs and Statistics
Workplace: The Invisible Parents
History: Bruce’s Big Blunder
Politics: All God's Children
Economics: Spun Out
International: Shakey Trials
Legal: Civil Distrubance
Review: Crash Course In Racism
Poetry: You're Fired
The Locker Room
All The Way With The USA
Expensive Door Charge
Teen Years in Detention
Court Cases are Media’s Drug
Lang Is Right
Hertz Meenz Hurtz
The Hooway Henwy from central casting gets a gong this week, but it's not one of the Falun vawiety, wather he is wewarded with the Tool Shed after a masterful display of self-interested political expediency.
Is there any wonder that he is weferred to as the Foweign Minister, as most of what happens in his Ministry is foreign to him.
Lord Downer of Baghdad likes to see himself as the champion of the oppwessed.
Just last month he was up at Eawle Page Cowwedge in the Northern Tablelands weminding the descendants of Austwalia's Bunyip Awistocwacy of why Black Jack McKewan's Countwy party wouldn't trust the Libwal party as far as they could comfowtably spit them out.
It was Menzies who stood fiwm against the onslaught of Nazism, according to Lord Downer and he's reading of Rin Tin TIn, while the Quislings from the ALP ran off mouthing their admiwation for Hitler and Mussuwini.
Or was it the other way awound?
Oh well, who cares. Daddy was there. He soon sorted things out.
None of this sucking up to foweign wascals for him!
And so Downer the Lesser follows in the bwave family footsteps by vanquishing evildoers and stamping out tywanny.
Well, most of the time.
You see, the problem is all these opwessive governments are just so damnably lucwative.
So if one of those little Chinese chaps stawts doing a Petrov and twying to come in fwom the cold when we're about to sign off on a deal that will give us cheap T shirts, runners and Oyster sauce until the end of time, it's all damnably inconvenient as I'm sure you will all undewstand.
Spooks and all that are all jolly good and vewy exciting, but if they want to have 1000 spies opewating here that's their business. The Foweign Minister can't be expected to be wesponsible for what's happening here, that's why he's the Foweign Minister.
The Foweign Minister is more into the exciting stuff like Iwaq, where were libewating people back to the Stone Age.
Besides, no one seems to mind how many spies our good friends the US has opewating here.
And the head boy, Costewwo, keeps rewinding us all that we mustn't let those pesky little issues stand in the way of a handsome weturn on capital.
And the Chinese cewtainly have an admiwable way of dealing with those gwubby little upstawts fwom the unions.
Put them against the wall and have them all shot, just like daddy would do, or that strange fellow fwom Sydney, the Catholic chap, Abbot. All vewy sensible.
Besides, Alex is vewy fond of the Peking Duck.
Yes, Bwave Lord Downer, when faced with an issue of standing fiwm on human wights or capitulating to a fast buck is sure to fold faster than Superman on laundry day.
Such a stwong, firm, pwincipled Tool.
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