||Issue No. 250||21 December 2004|
Beyond The Law
Interview: The King of Comedy
Unions: Ten Simple Rules
Politics: Rampant Indivdualism
International: Global Struggle
Economics: Cashing in the Year
History: Grass Roots
Review: Cultural Realities
The Locker Room
The Price Of Tea In China
Cry For Me, Argentina
Ho Bloody Ho
Right Is Wrong
Business As Usual
All In The Family
Swing Left Wishful Thinking
Over the year the idiot factory in Canberra has thrown up some extraordinary Tools.
But none have surpassed the efforts of Charles Wilson Tuckey, a man who has for decades demonstrated consistency, dedication and application in being what can only be described as a Tool's Tool.
He began his career early as a publican in the Carnarvon where his contribution to reconciliation came at the end of a piece of steel cable, which he applied to one of his patrons during one of his notorious acts of affection.
The man who makes Bob Katter sound like an intellectual took this caring sharing attitude into public life, inflicting himself on the rest of the country using a brain that was as empty as the great sprawling Westralian plains he represents.
When the colourful Western Australian racing identity was not trying to get a family member off a traffic offence by using Commonwealth letterhead, he was railing against the South Australian government for being a bunch of dope addled hippies. Either that or he'd be off in the corner, gibbering like a crazed Howler Monkey, about how environmentalists and commos were bringing about the end of the world.
Even Dear Leader Howard had to punt Tuckey after a cabinet shuffle.
Maybe he's finally been in the sun too long or decided to change medication, but whatever it was Wilson "Iron Bar" Tuckey decided to turn 2004 into his year of Tool Virtuosity.
Wilson began the year by attacking wheelchair bound Labor MP Graham Edwards, who had both legs blown off in Vietnam.
Tuckey, a national serviceman who had too much to offer the country to actually engage in war himself, was convinced that Edwards was milking the public purse in much the same way Tuckey himself would - given the chance.
Even Howard was embarrassed by Tuckey's jealousy, which is saying something.
Embarrassment, or even reason, is not Tuckey's strong suit.
Tuckey kept up the vitriol, despite everyone else's discomfort, succeeding only in destroying the Federal Governments ham fisted attempt to do a U-turn on Veteran's policy.
While the phrase "barking mad" came to mind, the best was yet to come.
After fulminating on the rights of people to hunt down environmentalists and kill then in their sleep Tuckey got back on his feet long enough to defend poor old James Hardie.
Hardies, according to Iron Bar, had been vilified merely for lying about the fatal nature of a product they willingly marketed. For Wilson progress demands sacrifice, and if a few hundred thousand people get killed along the way in the pursuit of profit then that's the price we have to pay.
For Wilson, killing off people who are obviously members of the working classes is obviously something to be applauded - and if the death is a slow painful one by asphyxiation then all the better.
Even the Tories guts churned at the thought of defending the indefensible.
While many think that death by slow strangulation would be rather appropriate for a bottom feeder like Tuckey as luck would have it he continues to steal oxygen from his fellow human beings.
Most of us mere mortals would think it was hard to top the James Hardie effort, but not Iron Bar.
He'd just removed his foot from his mouth for long enough to take in much needed oxygen when he announced that dear Leader Howard, now that he's passed Bob Hawke's record, would now go on to pass Robert Menzies 16 year reign.
With the support of such wonderful examples of humanity as Wilson "Iron Bar" Tuckey, how could it be otherwise?
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