||Issue No. 223||04 June 2004|
Last Year’s Model
Interview: The New Democrat
Bad Boss: The Ugly Australian
Unions: Free Spirits and Slaves
Industrial: National Focus
History: A Class Act
International: Across the Ditch
Economics: Home Truths
Review: No Time Like Tomorrow
Poetry: Silent Note
The Locker Room
The Tool On The Hill
The fact that John Anderson is running the country this week is pretty scary, but even scarier is the fact that mild mannered weasel Senator Robert Hill is responsible for the defence of the shop on an ongoing basis.
Australia's answer to Donald Rumsfeld has been touring the country doing his impersonation of someone who actually has a clue, saving us all from the yellow peril, or whatever the latest foreign threat is.
What exactly that threat is remains unclear, as no one from the Department has briefed the senator yet, but as soon as he gets a whiff we'll be the first to know.
Last week saw a disturbing development for the former Environment Minister, when a breakdown at the Departmental level saw information getting out.
This sort of thing never happened when he was cutting down trees and watching Tuvalu sink beneath the waves.
No doubt our Tool Of The Week is working furiously to ensure that this unhappy accident does not repeat itself and those responsible will receive the appropriate discipline.
Bob has been distracted of late by some photos that don't look good for any country that has its John Hancock on the Geneva Convention and the good Senator has gone to great pains to stress that Australia had nothing to do with anything incriminating.
Obviously not to the sort of pains that the guests of George Bush at the Abu Ghirab holiday camp have gone to, but certainly he doesn't approve of that sort of abuse, or even getting caught committing that sort of abuse, which is worse.
As far as he can ascertain, and this is by no means certain, and remains to be clarified by the Defence Signals Directorate, our close friends in the Pentagon and other members of the coalition of the willing and some junior clerical staff over at the Department, the problem appears to centre in the vicinity of Iraq, and without limiting any of the generality of the foregoing, the Senator is seeking to be well appraised of certain facts and insinuations regarding events in the aforementioned nation which may or may not have happened, and even if they did he wasn't there and if they didn't then no one told him anyway.
Or something along those lines.
Apparently the war that our Bob is prosecuting works like this:
If it's good news we did it; if it's bad news they did it; if it's terrible news our allies did it; and if the news that is culpably atrocious then the head of the Defence Department did it.
Yes, the South Australian Senator is a regular pocket dynamo and, despite being out of his depth and drifting out to sea, maintains a nonchalant superiority regardless of the fact that the jury is still out on whether or not he's still in full possession of his faculties.
But he is carrying on the fine tradition of Australian sacrifice that was so effective in keeping China British.
Our Tool of the Week has managed to prosecute this war, which has been one success after another, while juggling the position of Leader of the Government in the senate, although leadership, especially the responsibility side of things, appears to not be the good Senator's strong suit.
As for government, well, nothings showing on the radar there either.
Mind you, he does cut a fine figure when he stretches back with his arms over his head like he's watching the tea session of the fourth days play between Tasmania and South Australia Second XI, which is where he'd no doubt rather be.
Underachieving megalomaniacs like our Tool Of the Week have to satisfy themselves with the lesser glory. Even so, he till gets to play soldiers and sign Australia up to rather expensive missile defence systems that don't exist yet, but they are effective against the sort of chaps that want to destroy the right of one percent of the population to own fifty percent of the countries wealth. And that's important.
As Senator Robert Hill says, it's important to stand for something.
Just ask the 90% of Iraqi prisoners who were picked up by accident...
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