Satire

Darth Reith's Workplace Relations (Phantom Menace) Bill

Extracted from The Chaser, the fab new fortnightly newspaper

Workers have been positively thrilled by the prospect of less pay, no sick leave.

CANBERRA (Tuesday): The Minister for Industrial Relations, Mr Peter Reith has announced changes to his proposed Second Wave IR reform to overcome the problem seen recently at the Oakdale Colliery. Under the changes, employers will no longer have to pay their workers.

"The amendments will significantly reduce the burden on small business," Mr Reith said. "They are in line with the principle established at Oakdale that workers should not be entitled to their entitlements."

The Business Council of Australia has lent its cautious support to the Bill. "For too long, small business has had to put up with inefficient, burdensome entitlements to workers such as their pay. Such compliance costs are simply too onerous".

Mr Reith will be introducing the legislation, which he has called the Workplace Relations (More Jobs, Better Pay) Bill 1999, into the next session of parliament.

However, Democrat support for the bill remains uncertain, as internal divisions between the 'sell out' faction led by Meg Lees and the 'cross the floor' faction led by Natasha Stott-Despoja continue.

"I wish I was dealing with a Democrat who really agreed with the concept of crushing the unions," Mr Reith admitted, "but sadly she joined the Labor party."

The Bill is widely seen as a means for the government to reestablish credibility in the area of industrial relations after the politically damaging MUA dispute last year. Mr Reith has, however, denied that the legislation was originally entitled the Workplace Relations (Re-establish Leadership Aspirations) Bill.

Business has so far refused to give its full support to the bill claiming that it is a bit "lefty".

"The bill only makes it easier to dismiss someone unfairly, whereas we have consistently pushed for unfairness to be compulsory," said a spokesperson for the Business Council of Australia. "Obviously this will further hinder workplace efficiency."

The new changes also seek to make the 'no disadvantage' test more even. "In the past the 'no disadvantage' test was aimed at ensuring that workers weren't worse off under our bill," announced Minister Reith, "but now we will also allow bosses to use it to ensure that they aren't disadvantaged by scurrilous claims for more pay or safe workplaces."

Mr Reith also responded angrily to the suggestion that the lack of payments to the coalminers of the Oakdale colliery went against their promise that no worker would be worse off under their workplace reforms.

"We said that no worker would be worse off. Now, the Oakdale coalminers are unemployed. That means they are not workers. People can steal their wallets and beat them with hammers for all we care." said Mr Reith.

It is understood that such an approach will become compulsory under the Mr Reith's third wave of industrial reforms. The Third Wave of reforms will also see a toughening of the remaining 'privileges' afforded to workers. Sick leave will only be granted after workers produce a valid death certificate. Workers will only be entitled to public holidays if they agree to work double time the day before and maternity leave will only be available to employees who have been with the company for over 40 years.

Many have speculated that Reith is merely the lackey of another more sinister force. "There are always two, a master and an apprentice" said one commentator. Others have highlighted the striking physical resemblance between the hideous Emperor Palpatine in Return of the Jedi and Kerry Packer

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  Issue 22 contents

»	Workers' Rights Butchered
»	Unions Back Shaw Plan
»	Buddy�s Buddy Still Singing Blues
»	Labour Calls Labor to Account
»	Olympic Gear - Labor Standards Should Apply
»	Ship of Shame into Darling Harbour
»	Cardboard King Seeks Warehouse Showdown
»	Nurses Enter New Years Fray
»	University Under Fire For Union-Busting Tactics
»	Inquiry to Lift the Lid on Public Service Bargaining
»	Currawong Back on Agenda
»	APHEDA Seeks Campaign and Marketting Officer

»	Guest Report
»	Sport
»	Trades Hall
»	Piers Watch

»	Youth Wages Campaign a Must for the Union Movement
»	Cheers for Piers
»	Cheers from Geneva

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