Sport

Neill Jones on Channel Seven Sport

There is no sillier sight on Australian television than the Sportsworld Talking Television.

I'm sure the idea made sense when it first came up after an extremely long lunch one day, but it's inconceivable that they actually scrounged around and found a dummy, propped it up in the corner and plonked a television on its shoulders and hey presto!

The viewers at home were immediately confused whether Troy Luff really was in the studio with Bruce or ensconced at home in Erskinville. I can't wait to see what they come up with this season, and after watching the cricket all summer I feel I've got some idea. Expect to see more promotions - a terribly under exploited area in footy. So expect to see a Sherrin, mounted on a bronze plinth which has been signed by all the living Brownlow medallists.

This will be flogged ad nauseum in the lead up to Fathers Day. The only problem for channel 7 is that they don't have anyone with the authority and presence of Richie Benaud to do the spruiking. I'm not sure how many times I saw the plug for The Cover Drive during the summer but I never felt like reaching for the phone and ordering one when Bill Lawry was pushing it, but as soon as the mellifluous tones of Richie explained that the original cast had been broken, I knew I needed one for my sports bar.

I just can't see Bruce being up to it. I mean you can't be Mr Football, Mr Olympics and Mr Sports Memorabilia. Ian Roberts is in the Bill Lawry mould which essentially leaves Pete Landy, Sandy Roberts or Denis Commetti. I'd give the nod to the latter. I'm sure he could deliver the details about the quality of the leather, the stitching and the lacing with a cool ease. You'll have the credit card out before you realise it.

I'm also predicting that the website will get a heavy flogging this upcoming season. Channel 7 will again follow the Channel 9 lead and use a stupid address like http://www.thankchristthefootyisonsevenagainthisyearbecause

wewouldhateitifyoungjamieevergothisgrubbyhandsonit.com

You'll be able to check out the merchandise as well as an amazing array of match stats. Cricket used to have the mortgage on statistics - it's hard to know what came first, the meaningless stats or the sandal wearing, Wisden hugging nerds who thrive on them. Footy has now almost caught up. During the final series last year channel 7, faced with the alarming prospect of having to fit all their commentators in the one commentary box handed some of them the sandals and made them sit in the corner with the pineapple head computer system.

The results were fascinating and made for great television. It was a great surprise, for instance, to see that the boundary umpire runs the equivalent of fourteen marathons during a game, spending most of their time near the boundary line. They hardly ever get a kick, take a mark or make a tackle. Unfortunately we didn't get to see the work of the goal umpires up on the screen - running, walking, flag unfurling, flag waving, flag folding, writing score, goal signaling, point signaling, chest taps, post taps, one arm extensions, two arm extensions, all clear waits, field umpire consults.

Some argue that the stats and resulting emphasis on possessions and errors of all hues (the forced, the unforced, the inexplicable, the innocuous, the draggables, the divorceables, the "I was a bit pissed", the prosecutable etc) are ruining the game. They point to the direct correlation between the size of the commentary team and the volume of stats and they lament the loss of the true marking, long kicking centre half forward.

These people find the intrusion of the basketball lexicon into our code highly offensive and mutter, usually late at night about the score being the only stat that has ever mattered. This is, obviously enough, a capricious view, particularly as we look forward to the season in which Plugger will break the long standing records of Coventry (most career goals) and Pratt (most goals in a single season).

We in Bay 9 have embraced the inevitable - this year we'll be monitoring our own performance with a range of supporter stats, we've arranged for the SCG security to monitor us during the entire game (well OK they've been doing that for some time now) so we'll be able to plug the video stuff into the computer software and come up with verification of the real time data we collect, using pencil, paper and clipboard at the game. There is, of course a bevy of stats including:

- The hard beer get - a round of drinks bought under difficult circumstances (eg queues of Russian proportion or during close points of the game).

- Interactions with security - this is a complex one so I'll try my best to explain. This statistic has three levels - Red, Yellow and Blue corresponding to the colour worn by the said official. At each level the interactions are classified as being either forced (ie initiated by security and possibly involving use of handcuffs) or unforced (eg a red shirt checking membership badges or assisting with the operation of the cash card machine)

This year also sees Sydney host the Brownlow Medal presentation, a fact that must be mud in the eye for the residents south of the border. The Magic Sponge will be there, of course, if only to witness the confusion that reigns supreme when the presentation ends and they know where to kick onto next. Plugger will win that medal of course thus breaking the Coventry and Pratt records, scooping up the Coleman and the Brownlow and an AFL flag in the one year.

In his wilder days he would have led the procession of very tall, very fit young men up Oxford Street but things are different now (besides he'll be playing the grand final a few days after the presentation night) and the players will inevitably end up at the casino where it's not always easy to find the bloody toilets.

   For more twisted sport visit The Magic Sponge

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  Issue 20 contents

»	Direct Links to Timor Militia Revealed
»	Child Laws Cause School Camp, Sport Chaos
»	False Advertising Complaint on Second Wave
»	Its Official. Howard's Public Sector Cuts Hurt Everyone
»	Hard-Hats Only as Builders Strip for Outworkers
»	Unions Unite to Protect Jobs in the Bush
»	Square Eyes Workplace Warning
»	WorkCover Scheme Has Passed Use-By Date
»	Bruised Not Beaten: FSU Battles On
»	Gordonstone Miners Win Battle, But Robbed of Justice
»	Currawong Spots Up For Grabs
»	Workers Online Turns 21!

»	Guest Report
»	Sport
»	Trades Hall
»	Piers Watch

»	Thanks from the Hyde Park Hyatt
»	The Chant of a Jilted project Co-ordinator
»	Have the Times Really Changed?
»	You've Got to be Kidding!

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