||Issue No. 191||15 August 2003|
Three Year Itch
Interview: The New Deal
Unions: In the Line of Hire
Culture: Too Cool for the Collective?
International: The Domino Effect
Industrial: A Spanner in the Works
National Focus: Gathering of the Tribes
History: The Welcome Nazi Tourist
Bad Boss: Domm, Domm Turn Around
Poetry: Just Move On.
Review: Reality Bites
The Locker Room
MUA CD Launch
The Remittance Man
Honan The Barbarian
By Phil Doyle
"The Prime Minister is an honourable man. He is not a liar," says Dick Honan with a straight face. As for Dick himself, well, that's anyone's guess.
The remarkably well connected Dick had to let a few people go from one of his moonshine plants in Victoria this week. People with eyes in their head thought it was because of those ubiquitous "We Don't Have Any Ethanol In Our Petrol" signs that have appeared at servos across the country.
Dick told the workers in Portland it was because the bad men in Canberra wouldn't let him put more than 10% of his moonshine into the petrol at the aforementioned servos.
Then Dick told Tony Abbott it was because the Labor Party are a bunch of party-poopers that had derailed his gravy train. What he told John Howard is a mystery as Little Johnny can't seem to remember if they ever met at all, or even what day of the week it is.
The rather appropriately named Dick is onto what Arthur Daley used to refer to as 'a nice little earner'. He has a monopoly on a product that nobody wants and the government is prepared to subsidise him to the tune of something approaching the national budget of Tuvalu to produce it.
And, in case anyone does decide they might like to sample the Old Familiar Juice, the government will tax anyone else into submission so that the consumer will have a choice of Dick's product, Dick's product or Dick's product.
As part of a job lot the government also threw in a few James Bond characters to do a bit of what some people call pro-active marketing strategies and other people call spying.
This, apparently, is the free market in action and saves Dick the inconvenience of having to work for a living.
Dick seemed a bit miffed when somebody started questioning his remarkably charmed deal from the Howard administration. I suppose anyone be if a cheque with a lot of zeros on it looked like disappearing out of their paw.
Dick is a big believer in the free market policies of Howard's crew. Our Tool Of the Week once sat on that other great bastion of free market forces in action, the Wheat Board, which is an institution that conservatives supported for decades as a bulwark against socialism and price fixing.
This allowed Dick to have a few long lunches with that other honest Australian - Max Moore-Wilton. Max, of course, ran the Prime Minister for a few years and would remind John of things like pants first, then shoes or what day of the week it was.
Through this connection Dick and the John were able to exchange BSB and account details and the business gets done. The best part is that the only person who really losses out is the taxpayer.
Our Tool Of The Week shows just how far a person with an entrepreneurial spirit, a dodgy fuel additive, a few well connected mates and absolutely no morals can go in this day and age.
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