Sport

Seven Sleep-Beating Tips for the World Cup Fanatic

Cricket fans can cruise through the graveyard shift with these handy hints from Peter Moss

1. Put your money where your mouth is. One of the great advances of the internet age is interactive betting. At the last World Cup, most punters were restricted to a straightforward wager on the outcome of a match. Not any more. Now you can follow each match live on several sites, including CricInfo, with commentary, analysis and updated statistics. Then, at sites like Centrebet and Darwin All Sports, you can bet ball-by-ball on 'exotic' options like 'next man out', 'best dummy spit' and 'most ridiculous appeal'. You can use your credit card or set up a stake account before the game.

2. Surf out the other channels between overs. Don't waste the 30 second ad breaks between overs. During Sunday night's World Cup final, strategic use of the remote control will allow you to catch snippets of programs including:

• Good News Week (7.30pm on 10)
• Strike, a documentary about the Liverpool dock workers dispute (midnight on SBS) and
• Monty Python's Flying Circus (2.00am on 2). But for the true late night aficionado, nothing beats Telemall Shopping (2.00am on 10 and 3.50am on 7). Watch out for the hour-long infomercial on adjustable corner shelves - it grows on you.

3. Select a World XI team. That Karl Marx really knew how to coin a phrase - 'Religion is the opium of the people', 'History repeats itself: the first time as tragedy, the second as farce', and 'I think they should stop killing all the rhinos' (or was that Kylie Minogue?). But my favourite is 'The workers have no country', because it allows us to shed our patriotic blinkers and select an unbeatable World XI one day cricket team. Here's my team to play Mars: S Ganguly (India), R Jacobs (WI), R Dravid (India), S Waugh (Aust), N Johnson (Zim), J Kallis (SA), L Klusener (SA), C Cairns (NZ), W Akram (Pak), S Warne (Aust), S Akhtar (Pak).

4. Train yourself to be truly nocturnal. This is not as hard as it sounds - but you do need to plan ahead. As the World Cup only happens once in four years, you should save all your annual leave. This will give you plenty of time to adjust to your new lifestyle. First, board up all the windows and skylights in your home. Natural light is a distraction you do not need when watching cricket. Then, around ten days before the first match, start going to bed an hour later each night and set your alarm for an hour later each morning. The aim is to acclimatise yourself to waking at 5 pm each day for the six weeks of the tournament. After the final, just reverse the process.

5. Use the lunch break creatively. Strategic use of the 40 minute break between innings is the key to successful World Cup viewing. Do not under any circumstances continue to watch Channel Nine during this hiatus. Jim Waley warps minds. Instead, get up and find a totally unrelated activity. Try expressing your feelings about the match by writing a short poem or painting an abstract work of art. For instance:

There was a young bowler from Islamabad

Whose reverse swing yorkers weren't half bad

They say Shoaib Akhtar

Is related to Wakar

Different mums but they share the same dad.

6. Do not listen to Simon O'Donnell. He is an absolute mug. Who can forget his tip that Pakistan were in trouble at the lunch break of the semi final against New Zealand because they were yelling at each other in the field? In one of the easier victories of the tournament, the Paks cantered in, losing just one wicket. The raised voices were just one indication of their obvious intensity and will to win. O'Donnell's combination with the totally uninformed Ray Martin has to be the worst double act since Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson teamed up on Ebony and Ivory. Also avoid Simon's equine analysis on Channel Nine's racing program, where he specialises in tipping beaten favourites. (Mind you, he was right about Octagonal.)

7. Put Piers in your bed. His column in the Tele might have you nodding off, but imagine a realistic, life size replica of Herr Akerman reclining gracefully on the pillow next to yours. Those twinkling eyes, those trembling jowls - say goodbye to narcolepsy forever. For just $59.95 plus postage, you can possess your very own Snoring Piers Playdoll. Moulded entirely from synthetics, this stunning replica of the cuddly tabloid stirrer was lovingly assembled by eight-year-olds in a Myanmar Free Trade Zone. Guaranteed to be anatomically, if not politically, correct. Supplies are limited, so order yours now from the editor of Workers Online.

  View entire issue - print all of the articles!

  Issue 18 contents

»	Carers Crisis: Victims Turned Away
»	Farmers Back Social Audit
»	Holiday Bugs: Government Asked to Act on Y2K
»	Oakdale Miners Take Message to Canberra
»	United Front for Public Sector Pay
»	Talking Books Silenced
»	Upper House Reform: Lest We Forget Greiner
»	Pregnancy Bunfight Looms
»	Horta Launches East Timor Mercy Ship
»	Sparkies Back Fantastic Plastic
»	APHEDA Helps Beat The Blockade
»	Torture Support Day, June 26

»	Guest Report
»	Sport
»	Trades Hall
»	Piers Watch

»	Chardonnay Debate Lacks Class
»	GST Rally, Town Hall, Monday June 21

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