||Issue No. 152||13 September 2002|
The Legacy of 11/9
Interview: Still Flying
International: President Gas
Politics: Australia: A Rogue State?
History: Levelling September
Unions: Welfare Max
Bad Boss: Welcome to Telstra!
Health: Fat Albert: The Grim Reaper
Poetry: A Man From the East And A Man From The West
Review: The Sum Of All Fears
The Locker Room
Week in Review
The CFMEU Race Debate #2
Keeping it Clean
Sue the Leaders?
The Locker Room
Support The System That Supports You
"Prithee, we will mark how these fine horses run and then speak further of their goodly deeds."
Shakespeare - King Henry VIII
The time has come, gentle reader, to remove the mist from your eyes, so to speak, and reveal the intricacies of the punt as it applies to the noble sport of kings.
As no one ever talks at the TAB it can be hard to gather the information necessary to make a sage opinion of which of the haymunchers will greet the judges at the end of the day. Even in more liberal circles, such as licensed establishments, it can be hard to make sense of things above the endless drone of old mate's description of what really went on at Uncle Harv's barbecue, especially after consuming a number of sponsor's products.
Even armed with this information, how is the novitiate punter to make use of the bewildering array of options available to the learned as a way of parting themselves with their hard earned?
Indeed, to the uninitiated, the mysteries surrounding the subtle genius of the punt are not dissimilar to the weird invocations of some ancient cult, complete with requisite jargon and redundant phraseology, and so on and so forth.
Well fear not, for your humble correspondent presents to you Anti-Tote (patent pending), the sure-fire way to arrive at riches not seen since the days of HIH and One.Tel. This system is also known as the social security system, as it cleverly creates the illusion that you too are part of the world that has allowed so many colourful racing identities to prosper through the necessary hard-graft that such returns entail.
Anti-tote (patent pending) is a simple, cost-effective way of punting, as illustrated below.
Firstly, forget big wagers on favourites. Castlecrag to a brick the favourites will send you broke before you can say 'what is this clown on about'. Seek out the lesser-known conveyance. Seek out the odds. Seek out that which is paying around ten dollars for a win, and bugger all for a place. Rub your chin and watch the numbers on the screen at your local TAB as they fluctuate by the minute. Seek out midweek races with less than a dozen starters. Seek out jockeys with interesting names or colourful pasts. Seek, and ye shall find.
When you have selected the nag that you believe has something of a chance of making it's way past the post with very few horses preceding it then back it in a quinella against the field. It is important that you don't select something that is too far off the pace. It is of no use to this system to select that which is likely to be beaten home by the ambulance.
Next to the Polio vaccine and an effective way of calculating latitude, the quinella is one of the greatest discoveries known to humanity. It involves selecting those horses that will finish first and second. Back your horse and 'the field' in a quinella on half a unit.
'The field' means every other horse in the race. By taking your horse and 'the field' you are effectively backing your selection to arrive first or second with any other horse in the field.
This will set you back somewhere in the vicinity of four dollars.
At this stage it is not enough if your horse finishes with the favourite, as this will give you your money back. What you want is for your selection to come home with something that is paying $82.50 or thereabouts. This will result in you wearing the big grin, sporting new shoes, and living on pizza for a week - a truly happy state of affairs.
Before readers start insinuating that your humble correspondent is some kind of urger or coat-tugger I would like to point out that Anti-tote (patent pending) is far from foolproof. It will nonetheless allow you to lose your money in the knowledge that you have lost your money following a more effective system than other methods of losing one's money on the punt.
As an aside it is quite understandable that the Bard of Avon laid many an opinion regarding the world of horse racing. To this day there has been a long and abiding interest in the performance of various conveyances by members of Actors Equity.
This link between the Sport of Kings and the acting fraternity was boosted some years ago when Tommy Smith's daughter, Gai, showed some inclination to pursuing a thespian career. Tommy allegedly put the hard word onto his old mate Kerry Packer and a role in The Young Doctors (a truly ground breaking example of Australian social-realist drama) was arranged for Ms. Smith.
These days she has a soap opera all of her own - she's a Waterhouse.
Phil Doyle - With a jigging little run from dummy-half
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